What happens when you struggle, when your heart hurts? Are you equipped?
May the God of peace, who brought back the great shepherd of the sheep (our Lord Jesus) from the dead by the blood of the eternal covenant, equip you with every good thing to do his will, by developing in us what pleases him through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory forever and always. Amen. (Hebrews 13:20-21)
We all have our weaknesses. We all have our strengths. We all have areas we struggle through. I’ve heard about people who have addictive personalities, for instance, and though they might wrestle free from alcohol it then turns to a gambling problem, or a shopping problem. They haven’t gotten victory from addiction and so it simply transfers from one thing to the next.
My name is Megan, and I struggle with anxiety. Before and after being saved, I have wrestled with this and walked through stages of healing. I have been through counseling. I have listened to hundreds of hours of sermons on anxiety. I have received many hours of prayers from others, seeking healing & restoration. I have wept at the feet of Jesus.
I have chewed my lips raw.
I have been unable to eat.
I have shaken & trembled.
I have had insomnia.
I have had hives.
I have had panic attacks.
I have stopped breathing.
If you have never struggled with anxiety, you may not understand those of us who walk through life this way. I cannot turn it off. I cannot simply pray and give it all to God. I’ve heard teachings that tell me that my anxiety is a sin. But that doesn’t help, it only makes me feel condemned for something I can’t escape. True, His Word tells me to worry for nothing. His Word tells me to not be anxious.
But it just doesn’t work that way. Not for me.
Simply reading His word – as wonderful and deep as it is – wasn’t enough to give me peace. Declaring scripture over and again sometimes increased the anxiety because then it became layered with guilt that I wasn’t doing it right. Or I wasn’t doing it enough.
Because after all of that, after all of my doing, I was still anxious.
In kindergarten, I would chew the skin on the tops of my fingers, sometimes down to the second knuckle, all school year. In and just after college, I experienced panic attacks that brought a new level to things and made me feel even more out of control. I could track the physical symptoms that told me it was coming, but I was helpless to stop it. All I could do was weep and beg God to take it away.
But He didn’t. And as a result I began to wrestle with a layer of mistrust. If God is so good and He loves me so much, why won’t He help me? Why won’t He take this?
Philippians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.
Be strong and courageous….I can do all things through Christ…a spirit of self-control…Trust in the Lord…perfect love casts out fear…be strong, fear not…renew your mind…
I prayed them all. I plastered them around my home so that I would see them everywhere. And yet it never went away. Like the addict, my anxiety simply seems to transfer from one thing to the next. I get freedom in one area and then the next season it shows up somewhere else. Here’s a recent example of what it can look like…
We were invited to a little girls birthday party of some new neighbors. It was wonderfully thoughtful and an answer to prayer since we have been praying about missions and outreach. And for days I focused on finding the right gift, and talking up to myself how great it would be. But that day I couldn’t hide from the anxiety that was building. The thoughts went at 60mph one after the other and my chest was getting tight. I don’t know these people. I don’t know this space. I have no control over what happens. What if our kids are exposed to something bad? What if it’s a total clash and really awkward?
And here’s my secret – this is life. If I am not proactive in building my daily & weekly life purposefully, then the anxiety and the fears will consume everything. And I will panic. It’s hard to be flexible, because that disrupts the care and margin I built in. But I have learned my signs, I’ve learned my coping skills. I have learned what makes it better, I’ve learned how to manage it. And I’ve also learned that I can do it anyway. And as a result of having two kids close together…God has stretched my ability to be flexible. Holy Spirit has taught me how to pause and how to control my reactions and my responses despite how the quick changes and lack of control taunt my anxiety.
I can walk into those situations that make me sick to my stomach with anxiety and be okay. I can overcome. And each time I face a new one, I am reminded of the times I have overcome before.
In 2007 I started attending a friend’s new women’s group. I wanted to be there. I knew God needed me there. But I was such a mess internally that I sat on the floor, in the circle with all these women – most of whom I didn’t know – and shook. For two hours. Out of that circle of women, God built relationships in my life that endured so many trials for us. He stretched me, challenged me, grew me and eventually I was able to lead another group of women myself. I still get anxious in large groups of women. I still get anxious with women I don’t know. I feel like it’s easier to play it safe. But it’s lonelier. And it’s avoiding God’s path for me.
I can’t, but God can.
When I am weak, He is strong. And though God has not taken this struggle from me, He equips me.
Hebrews 13:20-21 has a word that ought to spur us. The author is writing the close of the letter to the Hebrews and prays that God would ‘equip you with every good thing to do his will, by developing in us what pleases him through Jesus Christ.’
Equip – in Greek is kat-ar-tid-zo
According to Strong’s Concordance katartidzo translates as follows: to complete thoroughly, to repair or adjust; fit, frame, mend, make perfect, prepare, restore.
This word – katartidzo – is used 13 times in scripture. Matthew & Mark use it in describing how the fisherman were mending their nets. Paul uses it in 1 Corinthians as he pleads for perfect unity within the believers. In Hebrews, we see Paul quotes Jesus in reference to sacrifice and offerings, that his body was prepared. Katartidzo.
He will equip me. He will repair me. He will prepare me. He will restore me. And He will do it by developing in me what pleases Him. Through Jesus Christ.
HE will do it. I can’t manifest it for all my doing, for all my striving. I cannot achieve His peace myself. I cannot restore or repair myself.
Do you have a FaithAid Kit? You know, kind of like a first aid kit – which is full of all the emergency needs for an urgent or crisis situation. In there you find bandages, antibacterial ointments and so much more. But what about a first aid kit for our hearts? Do you have a kit for that?
God gradually taught me a set of strategic items or skills that have built up a FaithAid Kit for me. He hasn’t removed my anxiety, but He has guided and equipped me. And he continues to add to that kit as time goes on. After all, God hasn't been shy on telling us that trials, struggles and pain will come. It's just life.
My kit can include things such as: listening to worship that touches my heart (there's a playlist ready), texting a special friend or two asking for prayer, and even a standing collection of craft items. Creating/crafting is a huge way that God and I connect, we process things and I get a cathartic release. Knowing that, I reach for a project and get my hands involved. I get intimate with a creator God, expose myself to Him, and the anxiety starts to wash away.
Friends remind me of Truth and offer invaluable prayers on my behalf. I have had seasons in my life where I was at odds with God, the pain and mistrust was intense, but I still knew that He was what I needed over everything. And so I would seek the atmosphere of faith provided by others and immerse myself. I couldn’t bear to sit quietly by myself or read my Bible, it hurt too much. But I could find safety and comfort in the faith of loved ones. Don’t under estimate the power of the body of Christ to minister to your spirit in dark seasons.
Worship realigns my heart, orienting me toward Father God. That can mean laying on the floor and listening, it can mean worshipping corporately with others, and it can mean sitting with my kids at bedtime in the dark with worship music on and my arms stretched out at my sides.
Just last week God taught me something new that I had in my kit. It’s a bit more practical, but I was amazed at the impact. I was having a ridiculously emotional day, times of panic and times I wanted to cry at the drop of a hat. I started having hives and I itched all over. My chest was tight half the day. And worship wasn’t helping, I was too exhausted to craft. I couldn’t go to bed because my body was too tense and worked up.
My husband and kids were in bed and I sat on the couch, curling into a tight ball and silently yelled, Help me! In an instant I thought about the weighted blanket that my husband had gotten me for Christmas this year. I grabbed it off the bed and huddled down on the couch under it. And after about 15 – 20 minutes I realized I wasn’t tense anymore. There was a calm smile on my face. SO, God has added to my FaithAid Kit. It may not seem spiritual, but He answered and He equipped me. He has developed in me a set of habits that draw me closer to Him during my times of crisis, during my times of anxiety or fear. And those habits are pleasing to Him.
And because of Jesus, I can.
What about you? What's in your kit?
Step
Step.
Step with faith.
Know from the depths of
Understanding,
From the pits of trepidation,
That He is faithful.
Declare His promises of
Abundance,
Protection,
Love, and
Wholeness.
Delight in trusting your Father,
He who has never left or forgotten you.
Know from the secret places
Of hope,
Secret places of desperate longing,
That He has gone before.
Angels have already trod your steps
And fought for you.
Step with faith, step with hope.
Or step with doubt, step with uncertainty.
But start walking,
One foot in front of the other.
(Megan Griffin)
Breath Prayer: Jesus (Inhale)…..you are with me (Exhale).
Worship: ‘Through and Through,’ United Pursuit, feat. Will Regan,https://youtu.be/5Y7h6K13z0I
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